The Mighty CE is Civilisation!

More Seppuku = Less Samurai

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The gym, my domain
So I've had some time off. So far I have spent this time walking backwards and forwards throughout the new house, leaving it only momentarily to lift heavy things at the gym down the road that I paid too much in order to join. It's well equipped, though, coming with a large variety of weights that can't be overloaded and clientèle that are quite sure that they're the greatest thing ever to walk the face of the earth. "Heroes" are what I've come to refer to them as, which is dripping with Australian irony (made clear for the benefit of my American readers. Just do your best, dears).

A hero will walk into a gym, do a series of reps with a weight, and then stare at themselves in the mirror for an extended period of time convinced that they rival Michaelangelo's "David" or Rodin's "The Thinker." The reality is often less impressive than their envisioning.

Seriously I'm being generous.

A hero, however, is undeterred by their failure to match their ideal vision. After checking themselves out in the mirror for great lengths of time they will then return to the exercise they were doing, complete it (in a way) and then return to the mirror to see if they have suddenly become Mr Universe.

Due to this process what should be an hour workout (at best) becomes a weekend. They also do something inexcusable, which is wasting time on the gym equipment. My equipment. Mine. Of course I know that the equipment is owned by someone else and that I am merely renting it at best, but I believe ownership can still be claimed over things in the gym by applying a very simple mathematical equation.

Ownership Equation:

Reps per set = u
Sets completed = v
Weight being lifted = w (1 = 10 kg (that's right, it's the metric system))
Time spent on machine = x (1 = 1 minute)

(u + w) - (x2/(v + 1)) = Ownership Quotient

So, for example, let's say that a hero is on a lat pull down machine and is lifting 20 kgs (this shit happens), has completed one set of 12 reps and has been on the machine for five fucking minutes:

(12 + 2) - (52/(1 + 1))
14 - (25/2)
14 - 12.5

The hero is not endearing himself to the viewing public at this stage, but still owns the machine if there are no challenges. Let's say that I'm waiting for the fucking lat pull down machine:

Extended Equation to Deal With Arseholes Like Me:

Weight of User = y
Weight of Person Waiting = z
Body fat percentage = a

((u + w) - (x2/(v + 1))) + (((y/a)-(z/a) + 100)/100) = Ownership Quotient

Let's say, to be fair, that this guy weighs about what I weigh (roughly 80kgs). He has a body fat percentage of around 16%, and I have what I have, roughly 6%.

(80/0.16) - (80/0.06) + 100
500 - 1333.333 + 100
-833.33 + 100

The extended equation is therefore this:

((12 + 2) - (52/(1 + 1))) + (((80/0.16) - (80/0.06) + 100)/100)
(14 - (25/2)) + ((500 - 1333.333 + 100)/100)
(14 - 12.5) + ((-833.33 + 100)/100)
1.5 + (-733.33/100)
1.5 + -7.33

Therefore, mathematically speaking, I own the machine.

So if you're in the gym with me bring a calculator. Hero.

This post is over.


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