- June 1st, 2012
Jesus did gather all his disciples together, and did say to them, “My friends, there will come a time when I am no longer around to protect you with my superior kung fu abilities, and you will then face your enemies on your own.”
To which there was much lamenting.
Jesus did then say, “When these times occur, it is best for you to turn the other cheek.”
But Peter did say, “But Lord, what if they really piss you off.”
“Turn the other cheek, Peter,” said Jesus.
To which Peter did say, “But I only have two, Lord!”
To which Jesus did say, “Ah yes, you have a point there. I must go and pray.”
And so it was then that Jesus did pray, and did then come back to his disciples.
“Good news, everyone,” said Jesus, “The Lord has seen fit to grant you extra power by which to defend yourselves.”
And there was much rejoicing.
“Firstly, Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas and Thaddaeus will be granted the use of five robotic lions!”
And it was then that the heavens did open up, and five brightly coloured robotic lions did descend from the heavens and did land upon the ground with an all mighty thud. It was then that Bartholomew did look upon the lions and proclaimed, “Bitchen!”
“I get the green one!” said Philip.
“This does remind me,” said Jesus, “You shall all get an outfit to wear that is the same colour as the lion you choose.”
Andrew simply stood there with his mouth agape, but he did seem quite happy nonetheless.
“Bitchen!” said Bartholomew again.
Thaddaeus ran up to the blue lion, and did embrace it.
Thaddeaus did then ask, “What shall we use these lions for?”
To which Jesus did reply, “To fight Satan.”
Philip did then ask, “And how shall we know it is Satan?”
And Jesus did say, “Satan takes on many forms. Sometimes it is that of a snake. Sometimes it is that of a man. And sometimes it is of King Zarkon and his son Lotor who create giant robeasts to terrorise the people of Jerusalem.”
And Philip did say, “So which one will it be for us?”
To which Jesus did say, “Just fight giant robots with them, okay?”
To which Andrew did say, “But Lord, although these lions be large, they are by no means giant! How are we to fight a giant robot with these?”
To which Jesus did say, “Do not despair, for these five lions can join together to form a giant robot with a sword that shoots lighting. And I shall call this robot, Ron.”
Thomas did then say, “Isn't Ron a bit of a bland name for a giant robot that shoots lighting?”
To which Jesus did say, “Ah yes, that's a good point. Yet, as it is lighitng it shoots, let us call it Volt-Ron.”
“Bitchen!” said Bartholomew again, who hadn't really been paying attention.
To which there was much rejoicing, bar from Thomas, who did then say, “Lord, am I really to pilot one of these robotic lions?”
To which Jesus did reply, “It is so.”
And then Thomas did say, “I don't think I can do it, Lord.”
To which Jesus did say, “Thomas, it is seen that you will suffer great injury upon piloting Volt-Ron, and it is then that Mary shall take your place wearing a pink outfit, which will completely ruin the colour scheme.”
Thomas did then say, “Ha! You're such a joker, Lord. A woman, piloting a robot? Ridiculous. What if it needed to be parallel parked?”
It was then that Thomas did go to the black lion, and he looked upon it so until Mary showed him how to open it.
Jesus did then say, “James and Matthew?”
“Which James?” said both James.
To which Jesus did say, “James the Less.”
To which James the Less did say, “I would really prefer that you didn't call me that.”
To which Jesus did say, “Very well, from this day forth James the Less shall be called Jimmy, and James the Great shall be called Jimbo.”
“This makes much more sense!” said Jimbo.
“Indeed,” said Jesus, “I'm quite shocked that I didn't do it earlier.”
Jimmy did nod his head in approval.
Jesus did then say, “Jimmy and Matthew, as you are brothers the both of you shall work together from now on, and your powers will come from each other when you both say, ‘Wonder Twin powers, activate!” Jimmy, you shall then be given the power to turn into any animal at all, be it of the heavens above, the sea below, or the earth that we walk upon, or something that someone made up once. And to you, Matthew, will be given the power to turn into water of any form, be it cold, hot, or otherwise.”
“Wonder Twin powers, activate!” said James and Matthew, and then James did promptly turn into a monkey, and did begin to dance like a monkey. Matthew did not look as elated, however, and said, “But Lord, if I am to be water, should there not be a bucket for me?”
And Jesus did then say “You shall have a bucket, and to carry it I shall give you this space monkey.”
And it was then that Jesus did then hand a blue space monkey to Matthew, who did rejoice. Matthew did then hold the monkey aloft, and said, “I shall call you Gleek!”
And Jesus did say, “Gleek is a good name for a space monkey.”
“Bitchen!” said Bartholomew, who was still looking at his robotic lion, and wasn’t really paying attention.
It was then that Jesus did turn to the remaining disciples, and said onto them, “And to you remaining five I shall render great powers, and great responsibility, for you must combine your powers when the fate of the planet is at stake. Firstly, come forward Peter.”
And thus Peter did come forward, and Jesus did say unto him, “As I have called you Peter, and you have been my rock, I shall give unto you this ring that contains within it the power of earth.”
“What does it do, Lord?” asked Peter.
To which Jesus did say, “It can shake the very earth upon which we walk, and cause great mounds of rock to part and shift, as well as rise into the air.”
“Awesome!” said Peter.
Jesus did then say, “To you, Jimbo, who I found as a fisherman, I give the power of your origins, water.”
“What does it do, Lord?” asked Jimbo.
To which Jesus did say, “It can cause great tidal waves, great storms, and can freeze things.”
“Is it any good for fishing, Lord?” asked Jimbo.
To which Jesus did say, “VERY good for fishing.”
“Awesome!” said Jimbo.
Jesus did then say, “To you, John, whose words will flow across the earth as fast as whispers on the wind, I give the power of wind.”
“What does it do, Lord?” asked John.
To which Jesus did say, “It can blow houses down, cause great tornados, and you can fly.”
“Awesome!” said John.
Jesus did then say, “And to you, Simon, whose fiery passion of a zealot is now the fiery passion of our cause, I give unto you the power of fire.”
“What does it do, Lord?” asked Simon.
To which Jesus did say, “Well if burns things, of course! What did you think it would do?”
“Awesome!” said Simon.
Then Jesus did then turn to the last of his disciples, and said, “And to you, Judas...”
To which Thaddeaus did say, “Who me, Lord?”
To which Jesus did say, “No I call you Thaddeaus to stop this confusion.”
To which Thaddeaus did say, “But my name's Judas, too.”
And Jesus did say, “I know, but I call you Thaddeaus. And you already have a robotic lion.”
“Okay, I just thought I might get something cooler,” said Thaddeaus.
To which Jesus did say, “Are you not happy with your robotic lion?”
To which Thaddeaus did say, “No, no, it's pretty cool.”
But Jesus was not convinced and said, “Look, you can swap with Judas if you want to afterwards, okay?”
To which Thaddeaus did say, “Okay.”
Then Jesus did turn to Judas and said, “And to you, Judas, who has always been the most trustworthy and heartfelt of all my disciples, I give the power of heart.”
“What does it do, Lord?” asked Judas.
To which Jesus did say, “Well, it brings out the good in people, and you can talk to animals.”
“Does it do anything else, Lord?” asked Judas, “Like make people’s hearts explode?”
“No,” said Jesus, “It just brings out the good in people.”
“So if someone is trying to kill me, I can use this and they won’t?” asked Judas.
“Well not exactly,” said Jesus, “If they’re thoroughly evil they don’t have any good to bring out, so it wouldn’t work on them.”
“That sucks!” said Judas.
“Ha ha!” said Peter, “My power is far cooler than yours!”
“Mine too!” said Jimbo.
“Bitchen!” said Bartholomew, who was still looking at his lion and not paying attention.
“Now wait everyone,” said Jesus, “By your powers combined, I shall return as Captain Planet, the protector of the world.”
“Screw that!” said Judas, “I want a cool power! How about we swap, Thaddeaus?”
To which Thaddeaus did say, “No, no, I'm happy with the lion.”
Judas did then turn to the rest of the disciples, and said onto them, “Does anyone want to swap?”
But alas, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas and Thaddaeus were too busy looking at their giant robotic lions to pay him any attention, and so he did turn to Jimmy and Matthew, who did say, “Wonder Twin powers, activate!” and then Jimmy turned into a hyena and began to laugh at Judas, whilst Matthew turned into water and put himself into a bucket.
Judas did say to Matthew, “Surely you would want to trade?”
To which Matthew did say, “No way! I have a space monkey!”
Judas did then turn to Jesus and said, “Can I at least have a space monkey, Lord?”
To which Jesus did say, “You can have a monkey, but it’s not a space monkey as I’ve given that one away already.”
Jesus did then hand Judas a monkey, who did look at Judas quizzically before pulling on his hair and screeching.
Judas did then say, “This sucks, I’m going to trade in this damned ring!”
Jimbo did then say onto Judas, “I bet you can’t even get thirty pieces of silver for it!”
And then there was much rejoicing.