| Lightbulbs |
[03 Feb 2010|08:49pm] |
There is no light in a lightbulb without electricity
And a vacuum
Just as without a vacuum and electricity
There is no place in the modern household
For women
Oh many of you may call me a dinosaur
For having such views.
"David," I hear you say, if that were indeed my name which it isn't,
"Women serve a far more diverse range of uses in modern life
Than what you have mentioned
I am insulted."
To which I must apologise.
For it is true that women are not just for vacuuming
But are also for sex and cooking.
Some say that the limited capacity of women
Is reason enough to stop them voting
But I think that's barbaric
This is the 21st century
And voting is
Like marriage
A woman's chance to decide
Which man is going to tell her what to do
For the rest of her life.
Women
Like lightbulbs
Are simple devices
That are easily turned on and off
As suits your comfort
A woman that refuses to work
According to her specifications should
Like a lightbulb
Be replaced with a newer model immediately
Many make the mistake of believing
That a woman that no longer does their bidding
Simply needs to be understood.
This is poppycock.
A lightbulb is either on or off
Working or broken
Just as a woman is either subservient or hysterical
Domestic or lesbian.
Do not be fooled
A broken lightbulb is a potential danger
To anyone in its vicinity
Just as a lesbian
Writes and performs folk songs.
Women are simple creatures
On or off
Do not use a dimmer switch!
They're just playing hard to get
Do not use strobe lights!
The constant on off on off
Will send you into a seizure
Spotlights are okay.
Remember these things about the operation of women
And you should do fine
But keep a candle on hand
Just in case.
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| Pirate Love |
[03 Feb 2010|08:32pm] |
When a pirate loves someone
And they don't love them back
A pirate won't give up
A pirate isn't a quitter
A pirate won't abandon love
A pirate will find their love
And will show their love how they feel
A pirate will show their love how they feel
And this is called rape
Oh society!
How you have abandoned love
With your hateful denouncements of the pirate
And his raping
And why?
Simply because he rapes?
For shame!
Is it not the Bible that tells us to love one another?
Was it not Jesus that told us to love our neighbour?
And by love
Did he not mean rape?
Let me tell you
That if Jesus were here today
He would rape each and every one of you
And you would all say
"Ah yes,
This is Christmas."
Do not hate the pirate for his loving ways
Do we hate Jesus for his love?
Do we refer to Jesus as the scourge of the seven seas?
Do we fortify our naval vessels in order to repel the love of Jesus?
Do we issue letters of marque to combat Jesus?
No!
And why not?
It is because although both Jesus and the pirate have beards
The beard of the pirate is black,
And we're all a little bit racist.
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| Being the good guy |
[03 Feb 2010|08:22pm] |
Been running the slams for quite some time now. Almost two years in fact. It's becoming something of a chore to go out there and run them sometimes, but that's really not something to complain about. I mean, it's a little like a rich kid complaining that he got a red Lamborghini for his birthday rather than the black one he wanted. You just want to run people like that over in your own shit-box car, and thus I'll stop complaining about how well things are going.
However, it seems to me that the slams have to take the next step. So far they're a great source of brainstorming for new material, that much is true, and you can say ANYTHING on the stage and expect to get out with your life as long as you make it funny or at least attempt to, and all that's well and good, but I think more can be done.
How about a gig that sponsors a child... or two?
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| About my father. |
[12 Oct 2009|05:23pm] |
So, he's dead.
It's been a long time coming with the cancer spreading, but even so it all happened pretty fast. He was fine that morning, comparatively so at least. He was able to get out of the palliative care unit and come shopping with me for supplies for the week ahead. We went back to his unit, and to a store in order to search for juice and alcohol. Despite the fact that he had difficulty swallowing he still managed to down a fair bit of alcohol every week, which was something of a triumph.
I bid him farewell that morning, telling him I'd be back the next day with a large TV for him to watch and a DVD player. He seemed a little distant, but was happy, nonetheless. That night, while Li and I were watching "Dead Like Me" of all things, I missed a call from the care unit detailing that his condition has worsened. The cancer had spread from his food passage and was compressing his airway, and thus he was beginning to suffocate.
We both headed in and found my mother already there, and my dad in a panicked state. He calmed down a little once we were there, but was still pretty upset by the whole thing. He still managed to keep in good humour, though, cracked a few jokes here and there and winked a Li in the was she and he always interacted. He was sedated and went to sleep for awhile, and it was suggested that we do the same. I couldn't, though. I tried, but all I could do was watch him and waited for him to wake up again. He did, several times. Each time became a little more frantic than the one before. Eventually he was up every few minutes trying to get to the bathroom.
The nurses said that this was common for people in the last stages, being restless. He was so insistent about it that the nurse finally decided to give him some, "Tough love," and allow him to go to the bathroom by himself. By this stage he'd just been sedated once again, which meant about three doses worth, and was on a very limited air supply. There was no way he was going to be able to get out of bed on his own power and get to the bathroom.
But the fucker bloody well did.
He was amazing.
It seems like a lot of praise to put on such an act, but it truly was amazing. Struggling not only against the drugs in his system but also his body he managed to get up on his own power and do something everyone was telling him not to do. That's my dad.
Damnit, that's me. We're both as bloody stubborn as one another. I get it from him, all my pig headedness and hopefully a lot of his heart. The metaphorical aspects of it, though, as that triple bypass he had didn't seem like a lot of fun.
After that effort he started to get the haunted look and from then on in things were utterly horrific. He kept trying to get up and I kept putting him back into the bed as he tried to exit. He put up a lot of a struggle for a guy with no oxygen and on sedatives. Eventually he lapsed into unconsciousness and stayed there. From then on it was slow, and very hard to watch.
I'm not sure how I feel. All I know for sure is that I miss him.
Love you dad.
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| Busy |
[07 Aug 2009|05:39pm] |
Updates will be infrequent for some time. My father has but a few months to live according to the doctors. He looked pretty bad last I saw him, but apparently things have improved. We'll see.
Doing a gig tonight and a few more festival gigs that I'm not being paid enough for. Come to them if you can, and I'll give you details. Dante's tonight, in Fitzroy. Next week at Shakespeare's in Frankston at 3:30pm on Saturday. I'll say something funny about cancer.
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| Words! |
[06 Jul 2009|11:56pm] |
Typically I don't do memes, but I've time.
Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you.
This was given to me by the lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) leggz, a person that I've only met the once in person to the best of my knowledge, but have bumped into an awful lot online since since she happens to be a fan of my friends. I keep popular company. Shame everyone hates me.
COME TO MY FUCKING GIGS EVERYONE (yes, leggz, I realise you're in Brisbane).
Anyway, the words are the following: Humour, Anger, Melbourne, Father Bob and Media. I feel that I should point out that's six words, not five, but I'll answer all the same because FUCK THE RULES, MAN, I'M A REBEL!
( Here be answers )
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| Michael Jackson! |
[06 Jul 2009|04:28pm] |
Oh Michael Jackson
You were really talented
You could sing
You could dance
You could do both of them just as well
To the police
Oh Michael Jackson
It must have been hard to be you
With your singing and dancing talent
Your millions of dollars
Own personal fun park
Your pet monkey
And extensive criminal record
Oh Michael Jackson
You were a lonely man
You had no company
Except for Bubbles
And Lisa-Marie Presley
And all those personal staff
And hordes of small children
And sometimes the police
Oh Michael Jackson
No one really understood you
Except for multiple biographers
And medical professionals
And psychologists
And media commentators
And sometimes the police
Oh Michael Jackson
I can only imagine how hard it would be
To have a movie made about you
And computer games
And designer clothing
And various medical procedures
And court cases
Oh Michael Jackson
People kept saying you looked healthy
With your pasty white skin
And anorexic build
And that you were so young
At fifty years of age
Why did you have to die?
And why weren't you in jail?
Oh Michael Jackson
You aren't nearly as a good a dancer
Now that you're dead
Contrary to what you had us believe
And you are actually a lot stranger now
Than you were when you were alive
Which is something of an achievement
And the police have less to do
Oh Michael Jackson
Your family looked so upset
And La Toya looked
Just like you
And your fans looked
Crazier than you ever did
And the global media looked
Like hypocrites
And the police looked
For evidence
Oh Michael Jackson
If only you were as good at life
As I was at Moonwalker
You'd have got a happy ending
And turned into a giant robot
When I remember you
That's what I'll remember most
You with a flying hat attack
Magical kicks
And turning into a giant robot
And the paedophilia
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| The best 300 word promo thing that was supposed to be 300 characters instead. |
[11 Jun 2009|09:52pm] |
Have you ever watched someone on stage and thought, "I wish I were able to hurl abuse at them in a way that would crush their spirit, but I don't want to come across as an arsehole"? Well you’re always going to come across as an arsehole behaving like that, but at Babble Slam you're not just another arsehole, you're an arsehole in a crowd that's FULL OF ARSEHOLES!
That's right, it's Babble Slam! Come and watch poets compete for a grand prize of TEN DOLLARS in front of a crowd that has been told to hate with as much as their being as is humanly possible, or inhumanly possible if a crowd member happens to be a demon. We don't discriminate about things like that. That's racist. Watch them perform for three minutes, and should they go over that time limit they are beaten to death by a ninja. I'm serious! A genuine ninja! After they perform they will be judged by crowd members that will score them between ten and NEGATIVE INFINITY!
What makes this even better is that the people that you will be hurling abuse and negative scores at are POETS! How much do you hate them already? Ever wanted to hurl abuse at Shakespeare? Well now you can! Not literally, of course, as he probably won’t be attending. He’s dead. You could dig him up and put him on stage, but I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. I’d be forced to call the police. Unless he’s an undead zombie because we don’t discriminate about things like that!
Come to the gig and watch zombie Shakespeare get beaten up by a ninja!
That may not actually happen!
But it could!
Find out more at Babble Slam! on Facebook, or www.youtube.com/babbleslam
HA HA HA, I’M LONELY!
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| MacGyver Poem |
[04 Jun 2009|12:31am] |
If I were MacGyver
I could fix anything
This microphone?
No problem
I've got gum
That toilet?
I've got a shoe
And a standard sized business card
The crippling lack of attendance at this gig?
No problem
I'm Richard Dean Anderson
If I were MacGyver
I could fix anything
Except my debilitating mental issues
I could fix a plane
With a roll of gaffa tape
And a balloon
But I couldn't fix my hairdo
With a fucking hair salon
If I were MacGyver
I could probably fix
Our relationship
I've got a poisonous plant
Row of toothpicks
And an old landmine
To make a bouquet
But I'd still be a fuckwit
Because to fix me
I'd need a lobotomy
And I only fix
Other people's problems
But if I were MacGyver
I'd be someone else
So I'd be able to fix
Me
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| Asians Vs. Jews |
[27 May 2009|02:58pm] |
Race Relations on American TV
The Ninja and I were eating dinner the other night, and while doing so we sat down with her family to watch some television. Due to the “Free” trade agreement we have with the US, Australian TV stations now buy American TV shows rather than developing their own. As such, we were ended up watching some American TV. It was pretty bloody awful, but at the same time it was so bad that the Ninja and I just ran commentary over the top of it and laughed our arses off at how unintentionally amusing it all was.
The Ninja is, quite obviously, Asian. As such the complete lack of Asian characters on these programs was commented on a few times. I decided to do a little research in the demographics of the US and work out just how many Asians were there, and it turns out that it’s just over four percent of the population. That’s not many, statistically speaking, but it’s still around twelve million or so. I figured, “Oh well, I guess there aren’t that many anyway,” but then I remembered that there had been a Jewish character on one of the programs that we’d been watching. I then remembered that Jewish characters are quite prevalent in many American shows, and thus I decided to look into what percentage of the US population was Jewish.
It turns out that there aren’t that many. There’s just over six million over there, or about two percent of the total population. It’s pretty much half that of the Asian population in the US. This got me thinking. Statistically speaking, shouldn’t twice as many Asians be on American TV than there are Jews?
Thus you have this, a comparison between Jewish representation and Asian representation on American TV programs, in terms of main characters. Do enjoy.
NCIS
This is the first one that actually had me notice this occurrence, and thus the outcome isn’t very good. Wikipedia lists the main characters of the show, and amongst them is a Jewish character, Ziva David. There are no Asians in the main cast list, and the one Asian character that is listed as a minor character ended up being a spy. So that we can discount the inherent problem with that, let’s just say that there isn’t any Asian representation on the show.
Jews – 1
Asians – 0
House
A great show, set around doctors. You’d expect that both Asians and Jews are going to be well represented here, as Asian and Jewish doctors are something of a stereotype. Well, there’s certainly a Jewish character, being Chris Taub, but no Asians. Whoops!
Jews – 2
Asians – 0
Numb3rs
Apparently one of the main characters, Charlie Eppes, is Jewish. I guess that would also make his brother, Don Eppes, and father, Alan Eppes, Jewish also. There is an actress with some Asian ancestry in the show, Aya Sumika, but she plays a character that shows no indication of having Asian ancestry, Liz Warner. Seeing we’re going for characters rather than actors here, it doesn’t count. If anyone actually watches this show and can tell me otherwise, do let me know.
Until then let’s keep the count.
Jews – 3 (We’re counting in terms of programs, not number of characters)
Asians – 0
Lie To Me
So far we have nothing either way. They may expand it as the series moves on, if it moves on. There were some shocking racial claims in the show, with the last episode of the season involving a bunch of American raised Muslims being blown up by one of their associates who was, naturally, a terrorist. The positioning was very slight, though, with it being revealed in one line of dialogue that he was brought to America from Jordan. The subtext, clearly, is that no one raised in the US could commit an act of terrorism. Jingoistic crap.
In any case it’s a zero either way.
Jews – 3
Asians – 0
Grey’s Anatomy
This is very interesting. Cristina Yang is clearly Asian, yet she’s been raised Jewish. Looks like they both get a tick here with the one cast member.
Jews – 4
Asians – 1
The Big Bang Theory
Looks good on the Jewish front, with one of the main characters being Jewish. No Asian representation, though.
Jews – 5
Asians – 1
Law & Order
Apparently Adam Schiff is Jewish, and even works on the Holocaust Project in his free time. Cool. No Asians that I can see. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Jews – 6
Asians – 1
Futurama
This one has been suggested, and as such I’m certainly going to have to give it a score for Amy Wong. Main character, Fry’s love interest at one point, usually brutalised for comedic effect. Score one for Asians here.
There’s also a score for the Jews here, too, in a roundabout way. Doctor Zoidberg has a lot of Jewish characteristics, including the accent (other than the tentacle warble in his voice), and when he ran to the embassy for his planet it was clearly Jewish. He was barred from a bot-mitzva, though, as shellfish aren’t kosher.
Man, that show was awesome.
Jews – 7
Asians – 2
Ally McBeal
I’m pretty sure I’ve got this summed up right, but do correct me if I’m wrong. No Jewish representation in the main cast list (remember, we’re only going for main cast, not side characters), despite Ally dating a rabbi at one point. There is most certainly a score for the Asians, though. Ling Woo, as played by Lucy Liu, was one of the most popular characters in the show, and her leaving the program is attributed to it ending by a lot of people.
Jews – 7
Asians – 3
Law & Order: SVU
As has been pointed out by others, B. D. Wong plays George Huang the forensic psychiatrist and criminal profiler. B. D. Wong played one of my favourite characters in Oz, so it shames me to have forgotten him here.
On the Jewish front we have John Munch the detective, so scores all around for diversity. Fuck, I may actually watch some of this shit at some point.
Jews – 8
Asians – 4
Dexter
People keep telling me to watch this. I’ve looked up the cast, though, and spoilt a lot of it for myself. See what I do for you people? Cunts. Anyway, there is certainly an Asian there, Vincent "Vince" Masuka. No Jews as far as I can tell.
Jews – 8
Asians – 5
Seinfeld
Jews – 9
Asians – 5
Friends
Apparently there was an Asian character there for a few episodes, but we’re looking for main characters. Ross and Monica Geller are both Jewish.
Jews – 10
Asians – 5
Lost
I can find no reference to any of the characters being Jewish, but with the way they write that show who the fuck knows? There is certainly Asian representation, though. Jin-Soo Kwon, Sun-Hwa Kwon and Miles Straume. There may be more, but I don’t watch it. I simply watch the reviews of the seasons getting more and more confused.
Jews – 10
Asians – 6
The West Wing
Well, it IS based around American politics, so the result isn’t that surprising. No Asians, and Toby Ziegler is certainly Jewish. There may be more, but until someone actually lends me the boxed sets of it I’m not digging. Fuck you! You’re ruining these series for me!
Ah fuck it, I’m not going to watch them anyway.
Jews – 11
Asians – 6
All American Girl
Jesus, Ben. How much TV do you store in your fucking head? I hadn’t even heard of this before, which is no surprise seeing as it only lasted a single season. It’s certainly got ticks on the Asian category. Margaret Cho? That would have been awesome!
At least it WOULD have been, had not the entire cast been replaced with white people by the end of it, bar Margaret Cho and Amy Hill. It does get a tick in the Asian category, but it doesn’t really help race relations.
Jews – 11
Asians – 7
Heroes
I hear such good things about this show, but I couldn’t get past the second episode as the acting was so fucking terrible. The exception to that was Masi Oka playing Hiro Nakamura. Even he couldn’t get me past the second episode, though.
I have no idea if any of the other characters are Jewish. If they are, let me know.
Jews – 11
Asians – 8
The Simpsons
No Asians, at least not as main characters, but there is certainly a Jew in the main cast. Herschel Shmoikel Pinchas Yerucham Krustofski, better known as Krusty the Clown.
Jews – 12
Asians – 8
King of the Hill
We have a tick for the Asians here with the Souphanousinphone family next door. I don’t really watch the show that much, so I have no idea how big a role Gary, Hank’s mother’s Jewish boyfriend, plays in the whole show, but I doubt very much that it counts. Thus it’s one for the Asians only:
Jews – 12
Asians – 9
Gilmore Girls
Well the list of characters on this show is pretty diverse. As such we have a tick in the Asian category with Lane Kim, and a tick in the Jewish category with Paris Geller. Go diversity!
Jews – 13
Asians – 10
The Mentalist
It’s good to have some of you Americans providing me with examples here, as I haven’t heard of half of this shit. From what I can gather there’s a tick on the Asian category with Kimball Cho, and no Jews to speak of.
Jews – 13
Asians – 11
Northern Exposure
Great show, set in Northern Alaska, not much call for diversity here. Lots of Native Americans, though. Joel Fleischman is Jewish.
Jews – 14
Asians – 11
Twin Peaks
I refuse to watch this on the grounds that David Lynch stole hours of my life by making Lost Highway. Fuck him. Fuck him dead with a cactus in the arse. However, Josie Packard is played by Joan Chen! I had no idea, and she was fucking awesome in The Salute of the Jugger, being one of the few female leads in a movie that wasn’t just there as a sex toy/love interest in an action film.
In any case, I can’t find any character that’s explicitly Jewish, although I could assume that some of them are from last names. Can’t back it up, though, so it’s a no.
Jews – 14
Asians – 12
Will & Grace
Grace Adler is certainly Jewish. No Asians from what I can tell. I’d say more about it, but what the fuck do I know about a show like this? Why would I watch this when I could be playing Nintendo?
Jews – 15
Asians – 12
Felicity
Sean Blumberg is Jewish. No Asians as far as I can tell.
Jews – 16
Asians – 12
Dharma & Greg
Dharma Finkelstein, apparently. Who knew? No Asians.
Jews – 17
Asians – 12
Hawaii Five-O
Hell of a lot of Asians in the cast here. There’s also a Doc Bergman, but they don’t seem to be a main character and there isn’t much reference to them. No score for the Jews.
Jews – 17
Asians – 13
Happy Days
Matsuo "Arnold" Takahashi was certainly in the cast right from the beginning, although they got rid of him for a long while and brought in Al Delvecchio instead. Ten years of Delvecchio, two years of Takahashi. I’m still going to count it, though.
No Jewish characters. The Fonze said “Ayyyye!” not “Oiiiii!”
Jews – 17
Asians – 14
McHale’s Navy
Tex, you’ve almost levelled the playing field with your knowledge of Asian content on American TV. Fuji Kobiaji is most certainly Asian, and I can’t see any Jews.
Jews – 17
Asians – 15
The Closer
I’ve never even heard of this show before. Michael Tao is Asian. No references to anyone being Jewish.
Jews – 17
Asians – 16
The O.C.
Sandy Cohen is Jewish. Can’t see any Asians about.
Jews – 18
Asians – 16
South Park
How could I forget Kyle? No Asian characters as main or main reoccurring, but it has been a long while since I watched it. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Jews – 19
Asians – 16
The Nanny
Sometimes I miss things that are just too bloody obvious.
Jews – 20
Asians – 16
Buffy
Willow is Jewish, and none of the core cast are Asian. And the last two seasons sucked.
Jews – 21
Asians – 16
Battlestar Galactica
Boomer is most certainly Asian, and as Lia says Judaism doesn’t exist in that universe.
Jews – 21
Asians – 17
Deadwood
Sol Star is Jewish and there’s a whole Chinatown run by Mr. Wu. A tick for both.
Jews – 22
Asians – 18
Mad Men
No Jews or Asians in the main cast, and seeing as I’ve never heard of this show before I have no idea if Rachel Menken is enough of a character to count. I’ll say no.
Jews – 22
Asians – 18
Sons of Anarchy
Holy shit, Ron Perlman’s in this? Never seen it, but it seems that Bobby Munson is Jewish, and I can’t see any Asians in the main cast. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Jews – 23
Asians – 18
Babylon 5
You know, I thought that these Sci-Fi series would bypass Judaism due to the futuristic setting. They don’t, though. Susan Ivanova is Jewish, and I’m pretty sure there aren’t any Asians in the main cast. Many of my readers watched a lot of this, though, so will know better than me. Do tell me if I’m wrong.
Jews – 24
Asians – 18
That’s it for now, keep them rolling in and keep telling me which characters are what.
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| Give me this toy |
[18 May 2009|05:00am] |
There's a competition over at Topless Robot. Here's my entry:
Toys that were never made - Giant Mutant Tetsuo.
Sure, we've had a lot of Akira figures over the years. There are a lot of cool ones with Kanada on his bike, Tetsuo looking angry, and even one with Tetsuo looking at horror at his mutated arm, but never has there been a figure that fully captures the glory of his ultimate loss of control, culminating into his transformation into a giant, ugly, bubbling, baby thing.
That's what I'm talking about! Give me a giant, ugly mutant so that I can put it next to a small child and say, "You see that! That's what happens when you do drugs! To be more accurate, that's what happens when you do experimental drugs and then you lose your supply from the government, but you're clearly losing the intricacies of my statement because you're crying now! Suck it up, kid! Welcome to THE REAL WORLD!"
Hell, it could even be made of playdough or something so that it can morph into new interesting shapes when you squeeze it. Maybe even somewhere that you can put puss so that it can ooze from time to time, and even a button so that you get some authentic Kaori crushing action.
That would be the coolest thing ever.
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| Chun Li's from Canada |
[15 May 2009|02:16am] |
Like many people that grew up as Street Fighter did, I loved that game. I played it a great deal at arcades, but in the end I waited for it to come out on consoles so that I wouldn’t have to pay outlandish prices in order to learn how to do a dragon punch. My favourite character was Blanka, because he was bright green, raised in the jungle, and bit people in the face. That’s pretty much how I wanted to live my life.
Later, as I realised that eating bugs in the jungle wasn’t as hakuna matata as some people claimed it was, I stopped playing Blanka and instead turned to playing Chun Li. At first this was because looking at Chun Li gave me strange feelings that I didn’t understand. I would often pause the game and struggle with puberty. As I braved and conquered those physiological changes I found out that she was a really good choice for multi-player, unless you wanted to maintain your friendships. She was nigh on unbeatable, with massively powerful kicks, head stomps, wall jumps that could send another character dizzy within a few blows. I was strictly forbidden from playing her, with my social group stating that it was vaguely homosexual to choose a female character when you’re male. Instead they insisted that I choose one of the exceptionally muscular men wearing very little clothing in order to reaffirm my sexuality in their eyes.
Those were good, if not confusing, times, and as a result of them I have great fondness for Street Fighter games. When Street Fighter IV came out just recently I was pretty excited. I picked up a controller in one store and proceeded to finish the demo using Chun Li within a short period of time, laughing with delight as the same moves from the past worked the same way in the new version. People in the store began to give me strange looks, so I picked Ryu in order to reassert that I was indeed heterosexual.
So, you can imagine my excitement at the idea of a movie called, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li. Out of interest I looked up a few reviews on the movie and they unanimously declared that the film should be put on trail for crimes against humanity. Being frightfully optimistic I looked at the trailer anyway, and found that they were probably right. Another thing I found was the casting.
Chun Li is not a hard role to cast. She’s probably the easiest character to dress up with for a great many people, as in order to look like her you have to be Asian and capable of putting your hair in buns. Probably female, too. In any case, a whole bunch of cosplayers have managed to do it pretty convincingly in the past:
See? Easy done. Cast either of those two girls, put them in the outfit, and make a million dollars as people come through the door to see her spin upside down kicking people. They both look the part.
Instead of going with someone like that, Kristin Kreuk was cast as Chun Li. She’s the least Asian looking Asian in the world:
Seriously, what the fuck? I’ve seen black people that look more Asian than she does!
Hollywood really needs to get its shit together regarding Asia. They’re losing a lot of money due to racism like this.
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| Combat Geeks |
[14 May 2009|04:08am] |
When growing up I focussed an awful lot on swordplay, and by swordplay I mean swinging a stick around the backyard and attacking a rope that I sometimes used to pretend I was Tarzan. On one birthday I was given a genuine sword, and by genuine I mean it was a stick made of metal due to a lack of an edge, which I used to pontificate greatly about knightly virtues and attack that rope some more. There was something about knights and swords that really did it for me on some primal level, even more so than swinging on a rope did. Perhaps it’s because knights tended to have better dialogue than Tarzan, who just tended to scream, or perhaps it’s because I hated ropes.
Nonetheless, swords were my thing. I liked them, enjoyed playing with them, and while I was at school I wanted one so that I could murder the majority of my classmates.
As I grew I fell into company with other people that enjoyed talking about swords and the like. These people, I would find out, were known as geeks. They introduced me to roleplaying games and I spent a lot of my time pretending to be an elf with a robust social life, while I was in fact in a room with unwashed people.
These unwashed people all seemed to have something in common, though, in that they all really did enjoy talking about the finer points of combat. It seemed strange to me then, and still does now, that a bunch of people that were obviously never going to make any attempts at being athletic took so much interest in combat, one of the most physically demanding acts one can engage in. We would often talk about combat, argue about it, I’d punch someone and then throw chairs around the room until someone sedated me with a movie that had Arnold Schwarzenegger in it.
Eventually I found myself on the internet talking to geeks from a distance, which limited my capacity to throw things at them. This forced me to enter into actual discussions, and as fewer chairs became airborne it occurred to me that I’d grown up somewhat. Conversations about combat were still pretty much commonplace, despite the change in scenery.
Why is it that geeks discuss combat more than anything else? Why is it that when you post the question, “Who would win, a knight or a samurai?” on a gaming forum of any kind you get responses so horrifyingly detailed that they would drive H. P. Lovecraft mad? Why do so many morbidly obese geeks feel that they can speak with authority on multiple martial art forms that they will have never experienced but can for some reason pronounce perfectly?
I don’t understand.
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| Star Wars Slam! |
[08 May 2009|03:40am] |
Star Wars Slam! went off without too many problems. We got the whole thing filmed, which is good, and there were a hell of a lot of pictures taken of the night. On top of that, the Ninja and I were in the local paper that they hand out to people for free on the train, as was mentioned in the earlier post. Here's the pic:
Note how they fucked up and said it was a weekly event when it's actually monthly? I sent them a fucking press release and everything, which clearly states that it's monthly, and they fucked it up. Just goes to show that journalism isn't a requirement to work for Rupert Murdoch.
The lightsabers, by the by, look much better on shots of the actual night:
Cool eh?
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| Stop Making Excuses |
[01 May 2009|03:02pm] |
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
That’s not bone that’s cellulose
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If they’re big bones you’re part rhino
That’s fat that’s fat that’s fat that’s fat
Go for a run a run a run a run
It’ll be fun be fun be fun be fun
But you can’t
Because
You’ll have a heart attack and you’ll die
They’ll put you in a box a box a box a box
Then you’ll rot you’ll rot you’ll rot you’ll rot
After a while there will only be a skeleton left
And it’ll be normal size
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
If you’re fat then you’re not big boned
You’re fat, you’re not big boned
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| Media |
[28 Apr 2009|05:56pm] |
So, today the Ninja and I were allowed into one of Rupert Murdoch's illustrious institutions in order to promote our gig, and primarily to help them sell papers. I've learnt a lot more about PR in the last year as I've been running the slams, and I've found that people will print pretty much anything as long as you make it interesting enough. A picture of the Ninja with a lightsaber sealed the deal on this gig. You can all learn from that.
So, we got called in to do a photo shoot. I picked up the Ninja from her engineering work so that she could dress up like a Ninja and attack me with a lightsaber in a photographic studio, or in other words so she could do real work. Sure she makes sure that shit doesn't explode, but photo shoots are more important as we all know.
Walking through a corporate area dressed like ruffians and carrying lightsabers is a good way to get a lot of attention. I'm sure that at one point I would have taken offence to people looking at me strangely, but I've found more and more that no one is really passing judgement. It's just like when something explodes everyone feels the need to go take a look, or when fireworks go off everyone feels the need to ogle them. There's nothing wrong with standing out, and there's nothing wrong with people looking at you while you're standing out. In fact you can use the opportunity to promote things or start a fight.
Once in the building the Ninja and I changed into our uniforms, me a Jedi and her a Ninja, which isn't really that much of a stretch for her. However, wandering around the newsrooms had us receive a few strange looks. People calmed down once they saw that the headdress the Ninja was wearing wasn't a turban. I guess that's to be expected. They do work for Rupert Murdoch.
Did you know that photo shoots are actually pretty taxing. Trying to keep an entertaining an energetic expression on your face when at the same time you have to remain in position for extended periods of time isn't that much fun, but I think the results will be worth it.
Keep your eyes on the papers on the trains, folks. The Ninja and Elf will be there for your viewing pleasure, with lightsabers.
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| Ninjas on a Plane |
[24 Apr 2009|07:41pm] |
I have to go to the airport to take the Ninja off of a plane. It's very odd having her not around, so I'm looking forward to it.
Sometimes, when she was nervous in the US, she used to put on the Ninja mask and walk around with it on. When doing this she brought twice as much attention to herself, but when asked about it she would say, "I'm sorry I'm just feeling a little insecure right now."
Part of me hopes that when I pick her up from the airport I'm forced to go onto the place, because she won't move and is wearing a ninja mask and everyone's terrified that she's a terrorist. She's flying New Zealand Air, though, so I doubt they'd be as concerned about that sort of thing as many of the other airlines out there.
"Oh wow, are you a terrorist, bro?"
*nods head*
"Sweet as! Have a good stay!"
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